Wednesday, June 15, 2011

A Beary Happy Birthday to Me

So the roommate got me an early birthday present of a trip to her boss’ cabin in Wisconsin. My expertise on cabins and cabin travel is limited to my sister-in-law’s awesomely tricked out house on like a billion acres. Complete with hot tub.

Oh, and bears.

Her dog, fondly called Frankendog for awhile, still bears (pun intended) the scars of her run-in with a bear mommy who was less than thrilled with the pup for deciding her cub was her new playmate. And later, the bear (or one of its relatives) took out their frustration on their hot tub cover, completely annihilating it not 10 feet from their door.

People? I don’t do nature. I’m sorry if this makes me a princess. It’s just how I roll. So my first question to the roommate and her boss was if they had bears.

While I was waiting for an answer, my husband stepped in. He decided he wanted me to be prepared in case I came face-to-face with a cranky bear. I decided to share this with you because a) it’s freaking hilarious and b) it may just save your life.

“The most important thing is to not run away from the bear. Because if you run, you’re prey.”

I’m pretty sure if you’re there, you’re prey, right? Like it’s not like the Terminator where the bear is all assessing me to see if I am THE ONE. Or if he can steal my clothes. I’m fairly confident they bite first, ask questions later. Yes?

“Do not try to climb trees.”

Is this a common instinct? I guess I don’t know what I would do, besides pee my pants and lay down and play dead (incidentally, also ill-advised). But I would think attempting to climb a tree would be low on the list. I don’t do trees, either. Though apparently I was an expert tree climber as a youth. Someday we can discuss the multiple complaints my mother had as I ruined the handmade dresses…and, you know, climbed trees in a dress. Flashing neighbors early, that’s how I roll.

“Never sneak up on a bear.”

Like, is this really a common thing? Does he seriously think I’d be stalking some bear like “bwaahaha, I’ve got you know, Grizzly!” I have no words for this one.

“Make yourself a bigger force than the bear.”

So this was the crux of the advice. I’m 5 foot 4. So is my roommate. Somehow I was picturing her like boosting me up on her shoulders so we look like one really tall person?

In all seriousness, apparently you are supposed to wear something called bear spray (I am imagining it has to do with pee of some sort of animal, and I just am too traumatized to look it up) and make a lot of noise when approaching anywhere with potential bear-like creatures.

Fortunately, her boss’ cabin did not have bears. But she did cite ticks, so we didn’t do any venturing around the property.

I should ask Scott what to do with ticks.


Clare Priest said...

Funny! I especially like the 'Don't sneak up on bears'! Like, duh!

Sparkling said...

i love it when i find a tick and seal it up in a piece of clear tape. that way, it will never get out and it suffocates. and if you've been bit by it, stick it to the calendar on the day you were bit so if you have signs of lyme disease later, you can have the tick tested. seriously.

Life As Wife said...

Thank you for makin me choke on my juice this morning! (I was visualizing you and your friend trying to be "bigger than the bear.")

Want my bear advice? Don't go anywhere that requires needing bear advice! Haha

Life As Wife said...

Thank you for makin me choke on my juice this morning! (I was visualizing you and your friend trying to be "bigger than the bear.")

Want my bear advice? Don't go anywhere that requires needing bear advice! Haha

Anonymous said...

Your timing is perfect. I just found out that there have been several bear sightings in the woods near our house. The very same woods that I run *alone* in with my iPod cranked up every morning. You may have just saved my life. ;)

The Woven Moments said...

I just HAD to google bear spray after reading this... turns out it's like pepper spray.

(Way better than eagle urine or whatever it is that we were thinking...)

Jen@I Want a Nap said...

Very funny! I think I would almost rather run into a bear than a tick though. Ticks are kind of a phobia of mine.

gin said...

This made me laugh out loud; so funny! My husband and i went camping in Colorado and were awoken to a bear prowling in our camp (so we thought). We were still new in our relationship and so he was trying to prove himself to be a strong, brave man and he went out of the tent, and basically broke every bear safety rule in the book.
Turns out, there was so bear to begin with. Just a high wind.

Ameena said...

I feel very prepared now, should I ever encounter any bears here in the Los Angeles area.

I was with you on the birthday present until you mentioned bears and ticks. I don't do well in nature either.

Happy Happy Birthday Stephanie! I'm so glad I've found your awesome blog!!

Domestic Diva said...

There's so much nature outside. It's what I hate most about it.

Hope you had a great birthday!