Friday, June 25, 2010

How The Other Half Lives

People, I have seen how the other half live, and not only is the grass over there greener, it sprouts martinis and chocolate trees. I am sitting here sipping wine after a day of embarrassing luxury. Scott, referred to as TGTIMH (The God That Is My Husband) for the rest of this post, hired me a housekeeper for a day before a party we are hosting. This was not only the sweetest birthday present EVER, it also serves as a guarantee that we will be happily married for another year. No matter how prepared we are, we ALWAYS end up in an argument or with a major case of the grumpies after cleaning and cooking all day for a party.

So this time, TGTIMH drew the line and said no cleaning or cooking! We’re doing mostly potluck, making only sangria, some burgers and dogs, and some chips and dip for our guests. And I got to make my grocery list while lifting my feet for my new best friend to happily clean around.

You guys, I need to have a full-time housekeeper. When I win the lottery or that elusive rich relative dies, I am going to hire this lovely woman full-time. Possibly as a live-in. Possibly move to Utah so TGTIMH and I can marry her in a lovely commitment ceremony and we can live as sister wives, where she works and cleans and I cook and, you know, tend to the husband.

But seriously, this woman cleaned spots I didn’t know my house even had! Did you know this whole time my cabinets were not meant to have food splotches and grime on them? I know, the shocks keep coming! Did you know that the natural color of my carpet is not beige with spots of kid spit-up or dog pawprints?

I should be horrified at how we’ve been living, but I’m too relaxed to be horrified.

Because in addition to having my own little Hazel Helper today, courtesy of TGTIMH, I got an amaaaazing hour-long massage from MPWWASPM (My Parents Who Will Always Spoil Me). I found this masseuse when I was pregnant and fell in love with her immediately. She was gentle, but managed to get every kink out, and it was the first time I had ever fallen asleep during a massage.

Usually I get an intense deep-tissue massage, so I wasn’t sure about this woman because she’d only really touched me when she needed to treat me fragilely. But she was one of the first to listen to me when I said, “seriously, you can NOT hurt me.” I know this will kill tomorrow, but I so do not care. Every touch was a magical release of months of tension. She even mother henned me to come in more often and take care of myself now that I’m a mommy. I’ll have to find other people besides MPWWASPM to sponsor these sessions, I’m afraid.

The only break between that and my magical glass of wine was a trip to pick Cous Cous up at doggie daycare. Yup, you read that right! I once thought people who took their dogs to doggie daycare probably shouldn’t have puppies if they couldn’t take care of them. But I relented in the winter when we had a sleepless baby and an incredibly alienated dog. When the choice was between her eating or peeing on everything in my house or putting up some dough to send her to daycare, off she went! When she came home totally exhausted and didn’t so much as move a whisker for 24 hours, I was sold. But I wasn’t sold on the price and as soon as the weather turned nice, I intended to keep my $17 to myself, thank you. But today, such a special day, I sent TGTIMH to bring her in and he came home, shaking his head. Apparently he’d parked between to Infinitis and passed a Lexus on the way out. What? Our Saturns aren’t the epitome of bourgeoisie? The things I thought I knew.

1 comment:

Small Town Mommy said...

You totally deserve your special day. When I quit my full-time job to go back to consulting, the first thing I did was get rid of my cleaning people. It was the most painful decision of my life. I still miss them and when my business takes off, that will be the first thing I bring back.