To this day, if I see one with the name of any former 90210 or Melrose Place actor, I will watch it, no matter how crappy the storyline. In fact, the crappier the better!
So on this Valentine’s Day, I submit to you the invaluable love lessons I have learned from Lifetime TV Movies.
- If your boyfriend or husband ever utters anything about a “secret mission” he is not a cop or secret agent or military personnel. He is a rapist or murderer. Or he has another family. Those aren’t mutually exclusive.
- If you are seen putting on eye cream or skin cream at night and poking at the invisible wrinkles in your face, your husband will soon be cheating on you, if he’s not already. [This one goes out to the woman at Sephora who was kind enough to ignore my slight teariness when she recommended I purchase eye cream]
- If you are cheated on, don’t look at it as a bad thing, though. It will show you the holes in your relationship, which you will of course wish to repair when your husband realizes the chick he was banging on the side is as batcrap crazy as you are. And requires more maintenance.
- Do not accept a death certificate until you’ve seen a corpse. Seriously, do you know how easy it is to fake your own death? Until you see the body, you are to assume your spouse is not at all dead, but in fact has drained your bank account and moved across the country to become some sort of local politician, meaning someday years later you will see his picture in the paper, recognize his lying face as the one you thought you buried, and go on a rampage.
- If you know someone who used to be ugly and is now pretty as a result of an accident that required plastic surgery, run away from that person. She is out for revenge. You will get in the way. The results will be unpleasant.
- The same goes for anyone who lost family in an accident, or believes you caused their beloved brother’s death (it’s almost always a brother or a daddy). Trust no one. Enter witness protection if you can.