Top 10 Ways I Knew I Was A Mom

I kind of want to write my own Top 10 list for why I love Rachel at Life with Baby Donut. Not only is she a prolific commenter, she's also an amazing support person on Twitter. Also? She's not afraid to ask for support when she needs it, something I respect in a woman, especially a mom. Check out this post on blogging insecurities for an example of her honest writing and reaching out to others.

I believe there comes a time when every woman who has a child looks at herself and thinks “Oh my gosh—I am such a mom!” Now you’d think going through a painful labor and birthing a child would be that defining moment. Or perhaps even breastfeeding and ending up sore and in pain. While those moments certainly point to mom-hood, there were actually a few other, subtler ways that I knew I’d arrived.

Here I present the top 10 ways I realized that I was a mama:

1. I picked a giant booger. And it wasn’t mine.

2. I can tell if a diaper is full simply by scent.

3. I let my kid lick my face. I don’t allow anyone, including my dog, to do that.

4. “Ssshhhh” has become the most often used word in our house.

5. I typed up a spreadsheet comparing the price of diapers between different stores. (I realize this also makes me a nerd.)

6. I wear zero makeup. This is a big deal!

7. I googled the words to “Pat-A-Cake.”

8. I can eat, hold a baby, do a load of laundry and unload the dishwasher at the same time! With only 2 hands!

9. I can no longer leave the house in less than 30 minutes.

10. I make sure most everything in my purse can be used as a chew toy in an emergency.

There you have it. What was your defining moment?

Top 5 Horrific Fashion Choices that I have Personally Donned

Everybody, meet Mads at La Petite Pancakes. Her Today in Tweets always make me laugh and wish I commented more on her awesome Tweets when they cross my path. Speaking of commenting, Mads is an awesome blog commenter, and always has something fun or insightful to say. Also, if her pug doesn't make you just want to squish its little face even more, then I can't help you. Please read her immediately.

I would like to say that my fashion “dont's” have been largely attributed to passing trends. If only! I so wish my worst nightmares were pictures of me in acid washed jeans or big 80s hair.

But no.

The majority of my faux pas have all been self-discovered “gems”. Things I thought were totally cool, but nobody else would touch with a ten foot pole.

Some examples:

1) Monotone colors. As in, yellow tights, yellow sweatshirt, and a giant yellow bow in my hair. I did this every day for the entirety of 1st grade. And yes, my big yellow bows were pretty similar to Princess Beatrice’s. Hot mess.

2) The single thick braid. I’m not talking about braiding my whole head of hair. No, no, that would be too cute. I’m talking about wearing my hair down with one large braided chunk hanging off to the side. I wasn’t following a junior high fad, I simply thought it was awesome. Add this to the fact that I frequently wore pajamas to school. Who allowed that?!

3) Hemp necklaces. This would have been cool in high school if I was a pothead, but alas, I was not. Instead, I made them in “art club” and sported the stinky thing around my neck every day. I was also in “earth club”. No really, I wasn’t a stoner. Really.

4) Bracelets from my wrist up to my elbow…on Both. Arms. Horrific.

5) Leather mini skirt. I bought this for a Halloween costume and continued to wear it out and about town. I watch women on “What Not to Wear” reuse costumes as “normal” clothes all the time, and I am sad to say I was one of those women.

I’m oh so sorry that I don’t have any pictures. We could all share in the hilarity and mortification.

What’s your worst self-discovered fashion “gem”?

Five Bucks and Five Minutes

Are you guys sick of me constantly quoting and referencing Kat from Tenaciously Yours? I just find her writing so relatable and her blog is as welcome to me as my glass of wine at the end of the day. One of my favorite recent posts has her going on a dive bar date with her new husband. So if you aren't reading her by now...what's WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??? At least enjoy her guest post and give her some love.

When Stephanie was looking for guest posters, I was like...obviously. So here goes, kittens. Get ready to hang on for the ride.

I'm a die-hard shopaholic, fashionista and wine bar-lover. But I like to keep a busy schedule so,  nine times out of ten you'll find me running around the cities like a chicken with my head cut-off. Or you might just find me running. The realities of a 24-hour day aside, I'm definitely the girl who believes that little luxuries can make the biggest difference.

There's something to be said about otherwise mundane things that can make you feel happy. Pretty. Worth it. Things that take less than 15 minutes. But just long enough that you have to set it aside for yourself.

I'm also That Person who is totally guilty of saving things for A Special Occasion, and then never finding an occasion quite special enough. So little luxuries save me from stockpiling.

1. Red lipstick.

This, is most assuredly a luxury that doesn't lend itself well to over-thinking. Red is BOLD. For those who keep their eye color and skin tone in-mind when selecting an appropriate color palette for clothing and make-up, it can be overwhelming.

My advice? Next time you're at Target, just grab a tube. You're going to want to think about the situation. Keep it rational. But do yourself a favor, and don't do that. Because thoughtfulness is what has kept you from bringing that tube of lipstick home before today.

And yes, it's okay to choose the brand/color of red that's on sale (you bet your Birkin that's what I did). Ease into the situation.

2. A DIY mani-pedi.

I have a sneaking suspicion that half of the people who read this today will look down at their hands and realize that no, they haven't painted their nails in the last two weeks. Me too.

Even when I know I finally have enough time to make it happen, I find something else more Useful and more Productive to fill that space with.

But there's a certain amount of catharsis that comes with looking down at your mitts and seeing color instead of chips. A glossy shimmer instead of a hangnail.

If you're the type of person that does a basecoat and a topcoat, dispense with both of them. This is about a quick fix so that you're not That Friend at happy hour.

3. A new magazine.

Yes, this means that you have to read it when it hits the newsstands instead of in the month/week it claims it's published for. You get bonus points if it doesn't contain any recipes. Because as much as I love a good cooking magazine a la Cooking Light or bon appetit, they mean Work. Which is exactly the opposite of what we're trying to accomplish.

4. A mug of tea.

If you're the kind of person that owns an espresso machine with a milk frother, then please feel free to disregard the following message. For the rest of the group, we continue.

Because it's time to spring for that box of tea that costs $5 at the store instead of $3. The kind with the nice paper wrappers that you would never, ever consider buying for yourself but you would be more than happy to offer-up to guests. The kind of tea that feels like an escape instead of a chore (let me tell you, Green Tea is ALWAYS a chore for this lady).

5. Fancy sweets.

I was just going to call this one Ridiculously Expensive Dark Chocolate. But then it occurred to me that some of you might be into salted caramels...or something like that.

If all else fails (since I tried to keep the other four options calorie-free), we turn to the pantry. Not because we're feeling emotional, but because delightful things come from That Place. So break out that treat that someone else gave you as a hostess gift. Because it has a shiny wrapper, and a lovely provenance.

Before you eat it, put it on a saucer. And get out a cocktail napkin. Because this is 90% experience and 10% reality.

What is your little luxury of choice?

Summertime and the Livin’ is Good? Top 8 reasons Summer is toooo long

Let's thank whatever deity you believe in that Melissa over at The Literal Mom joined the blogging world this year. A veteran of "top" lists like this, The Literal Mom is also an awesome supporter of other bloggers, featuring guest posts by other mommy bloggers on various topics, both important and funny. Please run to her blog now and offer her thanks for all she shares, especially right here.

1. Summer becomes winter. In other words, you reach a point where you can’t go outside. Why? Too hot to go out, too sweaty to have fun, too many mosquitoes.

2. Pool food makes you fat. “Hi, I’ll take fried with a side of fried. And ice cream for dessert.” Abandon the pool for the state fair? Makes you even fatter. We now have deep fried Snickers at our state fair. Delicious – even IF it’s heart attack on a Styrofoam plate.

3. No matter how much stamina you start with in June, there’s a tipping point, about now, where entertaining your children for 13-14 hours a day is impossible and listening to them entertain themselves with “I’M BORED,” arguing and fighting is even worse.

4. 1000 calories of ice cream per week guarantee a 3 pound weight gain by week 9. That’s math my 4th grader can do. But it’s self-control I apparently can’t do.

5. GOOD LORD, where did the routine go?

6. Back to School shoe shopping is more painful than a root canal. Or maybe more painful than being drawn and quartered. Tarred and feathered. Sliding down a razor into a vat of alcohol.

7. Too much TV starts feeling like child abuse. Like watching their brains turn to goo before your eyes. See #1 for why too much TV starts happening. What do YOU define as too much TV? I define it as when the breaks in between TV watching become shorter than the TV watching itself.

8. No matter how much you’re DONE with summer, the end means a new chapter in your lives. A new milestone reached. And my friends, watching your kids grow up is hard. Gratifying, but hard. Excuse me, I need to go have a good cry now.

What surprises you every summer? What makes you look forward to fall?

The Literal Mom talks about all kinds of fun stuff at www.literalmom.com. Come on over and check me out. Become a subscriber and let’s go through the journey together. Why? Because together, we are stronger. Hope to see you soon. Thanks, Stephanie!

More to Life Than a Cow Creamer

I found Life as a Wife through an awesome Twitter #commenthour and have enjoyed getting to know her and her awesome family through her Tweets and her adorable blog, Life as Wife. Some of my favorite posts are her musings on her husband as a man and father, including this one on how her baby is just like daddy and a letter to daddy from his son that made me cry. Please join me in saying hello and a big thank you for guest posting for me while I am on vacation.

Stephanie in Suburbia never fails to make me laugh; between her live-in-roommate and smarty-pants wee' burb, the chuckles are endless. Of course, I am preaching to the choir because you people are reading her blog and must like her too!

Recently she reminisced about her experience creating a wedding registry and the corer that almost ended it all. To be honest, I had no f-ing idea what the heck a corer even was before her post. I should have known but alas, I did not. Why? Because the hubby and I planned our wedding in three days and I was worried about silly little things like him getting kicked out of the Army for sneaking to the next county to marry me. (For the record, his chain-of-command was none the wiser and he served an amazing three years of service.

I may not covet a ceramic cow creamer but there are a few things that I am not sure how the heck I have survived without. So, without any further bs-ing here are the top five things every newlywed couple should have put on their registry.

1.) A sturdy serving platter: Every new wife needs a beautiful serving platter. During that first year when you burn every meal you will eventually catch your poor hubby mumbling under his breath, use your platter to hit him in the back of the head. The heavier the platter, the better.

2.) Blender: Eventually nothing will sound better then a margarita and having a blender will be a lifesaver (your husband's that is!) The loud noise also works well for drowning out the noise of the game that will be playing on T.V. (A vacuum works as well but I wouldn't recommend registering for one because then you will be expected to clean.)

3.) Monogrammed coffee mugs: Monograms may be the only way you remember to spell your new last name because trust me, your hubby will only think you scribbling out your signature is cute so many times. Really anything from monogrammed towels to a doormat works well.

4.) Comfortable and stylish bedding: The trick here is to register for bedding for both your marital bed and guest room or pull-out. Why? So when his snoring gets unbearable or he hogs the covers you will have somewhere comfy and cute to crash!

5.) Beer keg cooler: This item will serve two purposes. For one - major brownie points with the husband and the other? Look at number three for a reminder.

I blame this all on Steph because before her post, I didn't really care that I didn't have monogrammed, his-and-hers mugs or a blender with over 100 speeds. Don't worry though, I made up for it when it came time for Little Man's baby registry.

What do you wish you had registered for? If you've done a baby registry, were you traumatized by the wedding experience?

The Weeks Ahead

I want to mention that I will be having some amazing guest posts coming up in the next two weeks. I know what this means for some people. I know sometimes when I see a guest blogger, I skip the post. It's not who I came to see. It's not the headliner, so to speak.

I hope you don't feel this way about the bloggers I've chosen.

Here's the truth. A few weeks ago, we instituted "take a break" with Wee 'Burb. Like a time out, but less punitive given she's 20 months. It was more about having her step away from a situation and calm down.

It works like 50% of the time. Or to quote Anchorman, "60% of the time, it works all the time."

Which is to say, sometimes it serves its purpose and she just sits and gets distracted from whatever it was that was making her frustrated enough to hit someone. Usually me.

I started thinking about this in my own life, about how great the idea is, really. To sit somewhere with no distractions and just reset.

So that's what I am doing.

Initially, I wanted bloggers to cover the week that I was out. And then I got such great submissions, I decided to go ahead and take the week before, too. To prepare for the weeks ahead. Where I will be traveling with my family and a toddler. Where I will be unplugged for 7 days. Where I will hopefully reset a little bit.

Nothing will change here. I'm still the same old Stephanie, blogging about inanities and showing pictures of my kid.

The truth is, I chose these bloggers because they are funny, sweet, sentimental. They are all so worth reading, I am proud to have them here. I really, truly hope that you go and read each and every one of them.

And I truly hope you'll be back when I am.

Wishing you all the breaks you need!

Stephanie

My Life as a Luddite. Part Deux.

Okay, so if you're not insanely bored with my first saga, here's the rest of the story.

As I said, giving up my data plan was hard enough. I wasn't going to give up texting, and luckily (?) my bills wouldn't be reduced by making that particular sacrifice.

Scott suggested I find a pay-as-you-go/no contract phone. Because Verizon doesn't offer great trade-in value for phones and doesn't give credit for phones after your initial contract, I had to find something affordable.

The only requirement I had was that it have a QWERTY keyboard.

Um, yeah, apparently that was a tall order. The cheapest phone there that met my, apparently, difficult requirement? $80!!

I barely paid that for my Blackberry.

So I did what any resourceful girl would do...I went to eBay.

This was not any easier. I found so many great deals with a label attached later saying "Bad ESN" or "use for parts."

I had to Google everything. Apparently, a Bad ESN means someone (probably) stole it and Verizon has a stopgap where you can't use it.

I finally found one for $50 that said it was usable and also that I could return it in 7 days if need be.

My confidence in Verizon had waned by this point, so I was afraid need may be. And that fear turned out to be quite founded as I entered Verizon and had the guy look at me, puzzled. "Does anyone still use this phone?"

And I stood there, looking at him, feeling like a complete tool. As soon as I said I got the phone on ebay, he laughed. So I told him I was going to go out and buy a phone. He recommended against that. Apparently Verizon recently changed its policy and pay-as-you-go phones no longer work with people who have contracts.

My only phone option? $130. And I would still have to upgrade my contract.

So I left, feeling totally helpless and depressed.

Did I mention I went to a Verizon that was near other errands, so 30 minutes away from me?

I get home and pack up the cell phone to ship back the phone when I realize the guy at Verizon had kept one of the cords. Thank God for my friend Lola who lived nearby and brought it to me, for I was near a breaking point.

I take one last stab at contacting the seller, letting him know I was about to write some negative feedback. He was apologetic, assured me there was nothing wrong with the phone. After some discussion, he called Verizon and got it worked out. It had to do with not fully deactivating a phone number.

I went in Wednesday morning and VIOLA! New phone!

I miss my data plan so much. I miss it when I'm standing in line and want to comment on what somebody is wearing or saying. I miss the little "CHING CHING" when I get a new mention on Twitter. I miss the reassuring "DING" when I get e-mail.

But still? I know it was the right decision. I know I'll get used to it soon. As soon as I can speedily start texting again.