I Think I Can...I Think I Can

You guys, this week is testing me. It's not even that anything that bad has happened, but it's just been so exhausting and it's only Wednesday!

First of all, thanks to those of you who commented on the walking and food issues we're having with Wee 'Burb. While the problem of the walking wasn't solved overnight (dammit), we have made some headway with getting some help.

It turns out the county has a free program through the schools! They'll come out to our house and evaluate Wee 'Burb and just be sure there's nothing wrong. I'm happy for two reasons: 1. Duh, it's free and 2. I'm happy to have them work on Wee 'Burb's home turf because then they can see her whole environment.

Wee 'Burb says "MWAH" for all the support. She also says she'll walk when she damn well feels like it. Kiss off!

The food is going better. So far she's really only skipped two meals, and she's eaten everything she skipped the first time at the next meal. So I feel really positive about it. I think Wee 'Burb is fairly adaptable on this front. I know we'll have good and bad days on this, but I'm pleased by the progress.

Which couldn't have come at a better time because I got some downer news today. Initially, our daycare provider had put her daughter on her license so that when she was out of town, she wouldn't have to close daycare down (a real problem because she had 10 paid days off in addition to holidays last year). So she's out of town on Thursday and Friday and the plan was the daughter would cover those two days.

Got an e-mail YESTERDAY at noon saying they were going to close instead, because apparently the daughter can't handle this on her own.

Now, these are my neighbors. They're good people. I actually like the daughter and I understand that she's 18 and 6 children under 4 is a lot to handle. Frankly, I go out of my gourd with the one half the time!

But couldn't that decision have been made...oh, I don't know...earlier than two days before the planned vacation??!!

I got this e-mail when I was in the parking lot of my dietitian, so I wasn't in a good place mentally. I've been sort of dreading this visit. I even put it off a few weeks because initially I wanted to lose more weight after San Francisco.

Yeah, didn't happen.

Anyway, I was feeling very discouraged. So we talked it out. We talked about how I sabotage myself during the weekends. We talked about pre-planning more weekend meals and planning to work out the days I know I'm going to go out. We talked about integrating vegetables and other filling fibers during the day so I'm less likely to pick at food when I go out. We talked about alternating a glass of wine with a glass of seltzer water to ease up on the alcohol when I'm out with my friends or the hubs.

I left feeling hopeful. It's unlikely I will meet the goals I had originally set in the timeframe I set. And she convinced me that's okay. We have strategies and I have renewed accountability. And license from a professional to not.be.SO.PERFECT.ALL.THE.FREAKING.TIME! In the past month my little brother got married, my friend passed the bar, and I took my first vacation without a baby. She assured me these are things to celebrate, and with just a little more preparation and some willpower, those celebrations don't have to derail me.

Seriously, if you have insurance or employee assistance programs, you should check into a nutritionist or dietitian. I thought I knew EVERYTHING about weight loss. I've been at it for a bazillion years, people. I know how to read a label, I know tracking food is important.

But WHAT should I EAT?? And when? And how much? It can change depending on where you are in your dieting (are you at a plateau, have you just started?). It can change depending on hormones and environment and time of year.

And that's what she told me. And told me again.

So we set a goal of losing 6-8 pounds before my next visit in a month. I'm armed with a ton of new nutritional data I'll share with you along the way. Hopefully we can all get motivated together, yes??!!

Have you seen a nutritionist or dietitian? What's the best food advice you've gotten recently? What gets you motivated when you get off the diet wagon?

Finding Fashion: Why I'm Still Looking

I recently read this article on Shine titled “The Surprising Reason Wearing Designer Clothes Can Help You Succeed At Work” and it brought me back to an unpleasant work time when I was in my early 20s.

While I am away from this world and this industry, I’ll keep the identifiable details to a minimum. Suffice it to say, it was a small company and the president was a woman. A trainwreck of a woman. Let’s just say she was 40 and repeatedly cried in her office and used the phrase “doing the deed.”

She was well-known for flirting with the men in the office, showing up late to meetings because she was talking with her long-distance boyfriend, and getting all up in everyone’s personal lives. She’s also famous for telling a woman who had come in from maternity leave with her baby: “that THING is disrupting this environment. We WORK here, you know.”

While she was well-known for being a total cuckoo bird, she expected fanatical togetherness of her mostly female staff. My co-workers were predominantly blond, thin and clad in trendy designer clothes. I had put on some weight before I started the job, and also gotten a new apartment with significantly higher rent. I did not have time with the new job to work out, and I did not have money with the new apartment to really get new clothes.

I had a 30-day probation period and I thought things were going well. I was learning my new role quickly, my direct boss liked me very much. I thought my co-workers were nice and helpful. And then my boss dropped a bomb on me.

It was, hands down, one of the most awkward situations I have ever been in. Possibly for her, too. She hemmed and hawed a little. She did allude to the good things I was doing and then she started mumbling. You guys, my boss was the picture of cool and class ALWAYS. For her to be this uncomfortable was unsettling. What she said was even more unsettling.

“This industry is…different, probably, than what you’re used to in journalism. You know, because we’re in front…well, you know, we have to go in front of rooms and people and such. And so, you know, the president…well, you know she’s just a little… …but she wanted me to, you know, suggest to you…well, just point out, I guess, that appearance is very important in this job.”

I made it through the discussion and managed to stumble to the bathroom two floors down and I cried like I’d never cried before.

Allow me to tell you something about me: I.DO.NOT.CRY.AT.WORK!

I can count on my hands the number of times I’ve cried in the VICINITY of work.

My dad is in HR and I am well aware of how this appears. I’m also very accustomed to working with men, so I know even more acutely how this appears when it’s a woman doing it. Especially a young woman.

I did the best I could with this information. I went shopping and started my first credit card bill ever that I didn’t pay off right away. I by no means got designer clothes. This was long before I discovered tailors and sales and followed Kat's very important rules of shopping. 

The truth is, this has stuck with me for a long time, long after I gave that job the boot (a decision I made not long after that discussion). I have always compared myself to my co-workers. Always strived to look like other people.

The result? I realized in San Francisco, I have no personal style. I can go into a mall and tell you my best friend will love this shirt because she rocks orange and brown like nobody else. I can tell you my roommate will always be drawn to jewel tones. I can not shop for myself. I’ve seen three personal shoppers in my life, all three have lent their styles to me. I have the most schizo wardrobe you will ever see.

Now some of that is just me. I’m the girl who hangs a Patriots jersey next to my purple jersey dress.

But it’s just hard to face that in my 30s, I don’t know who I am in terms of fashion. I talk a good game. I shop a good game, sometimes. But I think that moment at work really shaped me in the sense that I never again truly trusted how I presented myself to the world.

Thank goodness I work at home now!

Have you ever had someone comment on your appearance negatively? Do you cry at work? Do you have a personal style, and if so was it one you consciously developed or are you just drawn to a certain style?

Also...he said it was cool that I spent half my mortgage on makeup!

My husband's family can not accept gifts graciously…EVER. The reasons fall into a few categories: undeserving (“oh don’t spend your money on me, you have a kid to support, you have a house to pay for”), unnecessary (“we don’t need anything, we have all we need, save your money”) and just plane useless (“what am I supposed to do with this? I wouldn’t know what to do with it”).

They don’t understand that I love to give gifts! There’s nothing I like more than walking through a store and stumbling upon something that I think is perfect for someone. I think about their face when they open it, how they’ll use it, where they’ll put it.

The gift is somewhat selfish in a sense, in that I feel good giving it. And I think compliments are the same. Recently on Motherese, she took on the subject of compliments.  And our complete inability to accept them.

I commented on Motherese, telling her about a recent event where I had confessed to some people that I had spent a lot of money on makeup. I was having buyer’s remorse and was looking for a few Facebook friends to tell me I deserved a treat, I never get stuff for myself, etc.

My brother-in-law sent me a very sweet message telling me that if it made me feel good, great, but that I didn’t need that much makeup, I was beautiful without.

My first instinct, of course, was to figure out the most clever way of telling him he was certifiable. I thought “is there an icon that says ‘guffaws loudly’?”

I think about how I hate to have a gift thrown back at me, and I knew I couldn’t throw that gift back in his face. I had to accept it graciously, like an adult.

So I did something totally out of character. I took the compliment. I thanked him, said it was a very sweet thing to say.

My heart grew three times that day. No, but really, it felt good to accept it, largely because I choose to believe like a gift, it felt good for him to give it.