It's a Hard Dog Life

I’ve decided to start a revolution where we change the meaning of the phrase: “it’s a dog’s life.” I know back in the days it was meant to convey some poor underfed beast used only for his hunting abilities, and repeatedly kicked in the head and forced to sleep in a pile of hot coals…or whatever life was like back when being a dog sucked.

Now I’d kill for my dog’s life. Some people wonder what their dogs do all day while they’re gone. Well, since I’m never gone, it’s not such a mystery to yours truly. And the answer is: sleep and annoy the crap out of me.

I happen to think Cous Cous has it pretty good. She has someone home with her almost all day. The little beast that annoys her is gone most of the day at daycare, leaving her free to enjoy her bones without drool-covered claws invading her space.

At least four days a week she’s taken on mile-long walks where somebody cleans up after her and all she has to do is stay within six feet of said person on a leash.

Now, does that sound like the kind of life that would make you so miserable, you would resort to eating a comforter? Or shoes? Or a DRAWER? A freaking DRAWER? All while your owner, who feeds you and loves you and despite the fact that she crapped out that beast that annoys you, has otherwise practically let you run the house is sitting in the other room, blissfully unaware of your buried resentment at…at WHAT? What could this dog possibly have up her ass that makes her act out like this?

I’m proposing a Scared Straight movement for puppies. I haven’t worked all the kinks out, but I am sure it will be centered around making the wayward puppies of the world watch an endless loop of those Sarah McLachlan commercials, the ones with the poor dogs covered in bruises and cuts and missing limbs all while “Arms of the Angel” plays in the background?

Ohhh, you think me rushing you to poop when it’s 30 degrees out is abuse (I mean, really, when you’re staring down the barrel of 30-degree temperatures, do you need to spend 10 minutes finding the perfect poop spot? I would think whatever spot doesn’t involve your ass freezing to your legs is perfecto!), why don’t you watch yourself some Animal Rescue on Animal Planet?

One phrase I am not looking to eliminate: “ungrateful cur.”