Monday, August 16, 2010

Guest Post: Part 1 Your Holster is Showing

Google is my new best friend. Wait, no, more like an uptight but kindly schoolmarm. She’s strict, she’s prudish, you love to hate her sometimes but dammit, the old bat’s sage advice just kept you from making a terrible mistake. Is Lola off her meds or something, you might ask? No, kids. Lola’s just been set up on a blind date. And were it not for Google…wait, let me start at the beginning.

Unlike my pal Stephanie, who never has to wade the perpetually shallow dating pool again, I am single. Which opens up a whole new can of worms – people trying to help you out, the poor soul, and set you up with various “nice young men.” “Nice,” as well as “young,” is often an exaggeration. And now I can add my dad to the list of helpful matchmakers.

Picture a rainy night. Wet, empty sidewalks, a lone streetlamp in the distance enveloped in seamy city fog. Okay, so maybe I watch too much film noir. But my phone did ring one dark and stormy night and a voice I didn’t know said, “Hi, Lola. I’ll be in your area soon and we should get together sometime.” Um, we should? Who are you? My attempts to find out how this guy got my number yielded no conclusive results. Finally I figured it’s some prank call, excused myself and hung up. Hey, maybe he dialed a wrong number!

I completely forgot about the whole episode until I paid a visit to my parents. And my dad asked, “Why do hang up on nice young men?” (Ah, there’s that phrase again!) And try as I might, I couldn’t get any more details out of him. Just “nice,” “young” and “man.” That last adjective was more or less corroborated during our brief phone conversation but the jury’s still out on the first two.

A couple nights later, I come home to discover a voicemail from this guy. Let’s call him “Clive.” And I have to admit, he sounds nice on the phone. What the hey, maybe he is normal and this is worth a shot! And since Clive left his last name, too, I inadvertently Googled him while at work. A total accident, I swear!

Holy mother load.

The most I expected to find was maybe his name on some alumni list. Or maybe Facebook. But this guy? Has an entire website devoted to himself. It covers everything from hobbies, to his parents to what he did last weekend.

And as I’m browsing, there’s something about “Clive” and his site that keeps nagging at me. What is it? Oh, yes, all the GUNS! Entire photo galleries of them! Everything from small handguns to what looks like AK-47s. I’ll admit I don’t know much about firearms and don’t want to learn.

Judging by other results Google managed to scrape up, “Clive” runs forums on guns, claims the government has a secret plan to take them away from us, apparently specializes in photo shoots of “chicks with guns” (access for forum members only) and even does ads for…kid guns!! Yep, cute little pink and purple semi-automatic rifles for your little princess, just as sugar and spice as she is!

Ummmm, what the hell?

Curiosity killed the cat. And in my case, any interest I may have had in “Clive.” But at least I know I have one true love. Dear Google – thanks for everything. Love, Lola.

Stay tuned for when, in Lola's infinite wisdom, she decides to GO ON A DATE WITH CLIVE!


Reuben said...

Well, on the up side... if you have some inner desire to pose as a pin-up girl with rifles, it sounds like he can totally take care of that for you.

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